Yesterday, I had a bit of a panic attack. Not a very healthy emotional response I know but the fact is that I realized that for the most part that it was a good attack.
What is a panic attack?
it’s when you find (or feel like) the whole world is closing down around you and that you have no hope of escape. It’s like you cannot hide anywhere, that nowhere is safe. You are literally afraid of life itself and just wish that you could be in a coma or something to escape it all. And that’s what I did, I ran home in the middle of the day and went into a deep sleep.
Let’s recount, in my opinion why I had the attack.
Well I have been practicing a lot of yoga lately with the principle aim of letting go of my ego. A kind of perpetual Zen, where we let go of our desires and dislikes, where one simply just try’s to be. It’s very difficult when you are very wrapped up in yourself the way I have been. I was literally cutting myself of from who I am. No food (or very little to be precise), no coffee, no shisha’s (nicotine), no alcohol, no sex, no intellectual pursuits, no… no… no…. finally in effort to save it self my ego just went nuts, I couldn’t let go. After having the panic attack, I persued all my desires as listed above and suddenly I was back to normal. Yup, normal, now I can handle my affairs like I used to.
Weird isn’t it? The ego is so powerful that it has you in a bind, in a pattern of behaviour, when you try to break the pattern, there can be a strong reaction. Try it, give up something you desire badly and hold your resolve, at some point you will crack. And then you can ask yourself why? Why do I need to do something so petty?
So what now….
Well I am going to try again of course! and risk another attack, but this time I am a little more ready for what comes before me.